This article was originally published in the October 7, 1999 edition of the Philadelphia Inquirer & Daily News © 1999 Philadelphia Inquirer

Bull's Eye By RENEE LUCAS WAYNE, Daily News Staff Writer ALTHOUGH A TRIUMPH OVER THE SCHOOLYARD BULLY has been romanticized countless times by Hollywood, the reality is that parents of children facing bullies in real life need facts, not fiction. On any school day, about 160,000 kids are absent from school because they fear being bullied, the National Association of School Psychologists estimates. Bullies "seek to gain respect from others through their use of intimidation, so their behavior is typically motivated by the reaction they get," said child psychologist John E. Lochman, a professor at the University of Alabama who has studied and worked with bullies. "They think bullying works and allows them to be in control and to dominate other people." For parents, making the distinction between mean behavior - which any kid, even your own, can dish out from time to time - and true bullying is not always easy. Elin McCoy, author of the parenting guide, "What to Do When Kids Are Mean to Your Child," said that it's helpful to think in terms of a continuum. "At one end are those mildly nasty, but pretty typical behaviors like pushing and shoving, name-calling, teasing and telling someone you don't want them on your team. "At the other end are activities that border on the criminal - slamming someone into a locker, extorting a toy, lunch, favorite jacket or even money, and threatening kids with total isolation from everyone in the class." Added Lochman, "It is very normal in kids' interpersonal interactions to sometimes get into conflicts - occasionally even physical conflicts - but if it's happening pretty frequently, then I would be concerned." Ironically, bullies often have been, or still are, targets of bullying behavior. "There are some bullies who very clearly have a history of being victims themselves, and they have the experience of being preyed upon by others when younger," Lochman said. "That reinforces the need to control people because they have been controlled by others." He believes many bullies learn the behavior at home, "particularly in a family setting where there is harsh control by parents. They learn that the way to get the person to respect them is to control them." Many parents make the mistake of dismissing bullying as "just a phase," advising their children to handle the situation on their own. Experts say that without adult intervention on some level, bullies and victims rarely get the help they need. But once you decide there is a reason for concern, think it through before you take action. "You don't have to ignore it, but you must communicate to your child that they are the ones on the firing line, and our role is to support and coach them," said Lochman. "You want to promote self-sufficiency and independence. In the long run, they'll be happier and more well-adjusted, rather than having the parents go out and handle the problem for them." In other words, teach your children to become good problem-solvers, he said. "Kids have to figure out in each bullying situation what they should do. There is no one specific solution or strategy that's going to work all the time." Since children typically don't divulge their bully trouble to adults - being a snitch can be considered worse than the mistreatment itself for pre-teens and beyond - parents must tune in to anxiety-based symptoms (stomachaches, resistance to going to school, frequent visits to the nurse's office), as well as evidence of extortion (missing money or the disappearance of favorite possessions). "I think a good general strategy is to use what psychologists call `reflective listening,' " Lochman said. "Just note to your child in conversation that you've observed that the past few days they're feeling frustrated or unhappy about something, and allow them the opportunity to respond. Peppering a reluctant talker with questions doesn't help, Lochman said. "They just go back into themselves." It's better to comment - "I've noticed when you come home you seem to be unhappy" - than to ask, "What's going on? Tell me all about it." Establishing communication is the first step toward helping your child develop a plan of action to stop the abuse. This may include learning to be more assertive, developing humorous techniques to deflect the bully and cultivating friendships with others who are being picked on. It's also important to follow up afterwards to see what worked - or didn't. Sometimes, your child may be caught in the sights of a bully who won't be thwarted, or one who presents a real physical threat. In that case, it's time to get school personnel involved. If at all possible, have your child provide documentation of specific incidents and take that to school with you. Hopefully, you will be able to work with your child's teacher (and school counselor and/or principal in the higher grades) to eliminate the problem, which probably isn't just your child's alone, since bullies usually pick on more than one person. "Sometimes it's better to go directly to the principal or school counselor, especially if the problem is serious, your child is in middle school or your child is being picked on by an older child," advised McCoy. Schools usually have a plan for these situations. They may consult with the bully's parents, keep him after school, insist he talk with a counselor or even call the police. A good principal should help the bully's target by moving a locker, changing a class schedule or getting a school counselor's guidance to improve assertiveness, social skills or self-esteem.